by Elliot Adams
It says absolutely bugger-all, contrary to popular belief it is just an email address.
Your handwriting says nothing more about you than how you hold your pen and how you have learnt to scratch out your rudimentary mark on pieces of paper with an inkstick. Your preference for the colour red doesn’t mean that you’re “optimistic and can’t stand monotony”, it means you like the colour red. Your hair does not, as some claim, reveal the inner workings of your sexuality, it is a hairstyle not a psychiatrist – the difference is subtle sometimes, but concentrate and you’ll get it. One “professor” may claim that your sleeping position shows your personality and garnered much coverage of his claims, but as his website brags of their ‘holistic methods‘ I’m willing to guess this is utter bollocks too. Your lipstick, browser, iPod, sneeze, car and alcohol are not magic – though the latter may sometimes feel like it, especially absinthe. They cannot tell the future or read your mind, not every choice you make will reveal a fundamental unshakable truth about your personality.
If you really want to learn the deep secrets of your personality and how they are revealed by everyday minutiae, then there is but one way;
Take a square of paper and fold the corners into the centre, flip it over and do the same on the other side, pull the new corners in and up towards each other making a pyramid and pulling out the finger tabs at the bottom – congratulations you have made a fortune-teller.
Now slap yourself across the face and grow the fuck up.
Addendum: If you are a journalist and have covered one of the above as though it were a story, I want you to follow this slap up with some cigarette burns to the eyelids, well done you rightfully self-loathing hack. Stop crying, journalists do not cry.