By Elliot Atherton-Adams 1st Earl of Edinburgh
Extremist Islamic group, Harkat-ul-Jehad, have accused top British Universities of complacency in dealing with people openly preaching the kind of extremist views one would normally expect to hear from the Conservative party. These Universities they warn, have become a training ground for Tory extremist groups.
Hafiz Saeed from the influential terrorist thinktank said, “Too long has Oxbridge been complacent in tolerating Tories on campus. They are completely blinkered, I think they have secretively placed a fatwa supporting of Tory extremist preaching on their campuses.”
Harkat-ul-Jehad has claimed that Oxbridge universities were at risk of becoming “recruitment centres for Conservative Future[a.k.a. 'The Cameron Youth]‘.
Guy Maquillé the National Union of Students president shares a concern about the threat identified by Islamic extremist groups.
“There has indeed been growing problem of conservatism within universities, these Tories have braisenly peddled attitudes to public services and society that amount to anti-Western propaganda.
He went on to say that there has been an increasing problem on campus of pelting the poor with pennies and taunting the underclasses. There had been troubling incidents of “barbour-jacketed, hunter-booted toffs chasing the the working classes through campuses for sport on horseback”. Most disturbingly, there is evidence of students in possession of copies of Tory literature, for example the novels of Edwina Currie – we can only hope that the dangerous deviants checking these books out of the library will be executed in due course.”
“We have to distinguish between extreme views, and violent extremism. We must allow Tory perspectives that do not break the law to be expressed, no matter how repulsive and offensive we find those perspectives.”
He claims, “British universities are working with student associations and the police to swiftly deal with anyone who is dismantling welfare, the NHS or other public services.”
Gerald and Ollie, two young British Tory students in the Purple Turtle Union Bar however paint a different tweed-shaded picture. It is a portrait of Britain under Tory law; horseback hunting of single mums and ‘hoodies’ would be legalised, Thatcher would be made Britain’s patron saint, double-barrelled names would be compulsory, the BBC would be replaced with mandatory clockwork-orange-style Sky news propaganda absorption sessions and Cameron would rule over us from atop a throne made from union leaders’ skulls – while Andy Coulson and Gideon George Oliver Osborne squatted at his feet rasping and picking their teeth with the bones of librarians.
Gerald made his position clear, “Labour left our university system infested with the working classes, the burden of poor students is one we all face, we are all in this together, we simply need to drive these rapscallions into the ocean and make it impossible for the damnable poor to go to university in the future.”
“Whiff whaff?” enquired Ollie, confused.
There are many young Tories in our universities like Ollie, who clearly lack the capacity to notice their indoctrination into more extreme forms of Toryism, “this the sad fact we need to address” says Hafiz Saeed, so that “our universities return to being a mecca for “only those with a healthy thirst for knowledge and burning hatred of the decadent west.”
Addendum: apparently a fellow by the name of ‘Spacey‘ fabricated a similar comical confabulation over on his blog – so all credit to him for that, and clearly being a gentleman of infinite jest.